So I’ve been officially diagnosed with a problem. Borderline Personality Disorder. This means that i’m now going to under-go counselling with a chance in the future for further psychoanalysis. It’s good in a way… Makes sense of a lot of stuff… 

”Borderline personality disorder (BPD) can cause a wide range of symptoms. These can be broadly grouped into four main areas:

• emotional instability (the psychological term for this is affective disturbance)
• disturbed patterns of thinking (the psychological term for this is disturbed cognition)
• impulsive behaviour
• intense but unstable relationships with others”      

Yea this shit kinda makes sense of a lot of stuff i’ve never realized about. Well i did, i looked into this and kinda thought i had it, turns out it’s a 0.001% of a misdiagnosis. Winning i guess. I’m happier now I know what’s wrong with me… :)

So many times I wonder why people seem to enjoy it when i tell them they’ve hurt me… I’m not a prude I’m just scared. I don’t want to be alone forever, but I’m scared. I hate myself so much that I’m scared everyone else will hate me too… Why can’t people see that I’m not some silly bitch that doesn’t want to have fun? I’d love to be able to go out and have fun… To do all the things they do. But I can’t. I’m genuinely terrified to be in the spotlight in case somebody decides that I’m not as pretty as somebody else… Or not as skinny. That’s why I’ve stopped singing… I’m not good enough. If my own parents say I can’t sing, what does the rest of the world say? People call me fat, it’s funny. I go through phases of hating myself so badly that I’ll throw up after each meal. Yet I still remain this size. Amusing really. Worst thing is no matter what happens I know I’ll go crawling back to the blade as soon as it gets tough. It’s focusing on reasons why I shouldn’t right now that’s stopping me from taking out all my pain on myself. I mean, If I take it out on myself, at least I’ll know I’ve tried to be better… I’ve tried to sort myself out but it’s just not working. I want to lose weight again, I can’t diet. I just don’t eat. Last time I fainted twice. Nobody cared, said I was faking it. Perhaps It’s better that nobody knows. I’m kinda glad that nobody knows me on here… Makes it easier to get all this off my chest. I’m getting wrapped within a bubble again.. I wanna crawl back into my shell and stay away from humanity. It hurts too much to try to be a person.

So I went out last night, It was a good night with good people, the usual random crowds, meeting the usual random people. Couple of assholes, the rest were pretty awesome. Then my friend… Who I’ve gotta say I’ve had a crush on for YEARS came out. I was like ”O shit”. He was showing me his new tattoo and I was all *dreamy school girl* kinda thing. Piercings and tattoos always has done it for me, and in his case it’s like ”Omnomnom”. Anyway, I went out, was having a awesome time, he turns around and tells me that he likes me… I’m like wait.. what? Apparently he’s liked me for ages but because I don’t tend to reciprocate flirting very well he never really went any further. Anyway, me being me blurted out the ‘crush’ I’ve had on him for ages and he’s all ”Well why didn’t you say anything”? He then goes on to say how It probably wouldn’t work anyway as I’m obviously way too shy. Wow.. Downer much? Just because I have some confidence issues does not mean I can’t make a relationship work… If only he’d give me a chance to prove it… *sigh*.      *Insert sadface*.

So.. Random whining. I can’t be doing with people. They just irritate the hell outta me. There’s a reason I prefer not to speak to people. There’s officially three people I can think of that I can actually deal with and that don’t annoy me at all. One living over an hour away. Three friends that don’t annoy me. Bad times eh? At least I know I always have them there for me. So yea, whine over :)

So, general thoughts on life. These being, is it really worth not eating to get skinny? I mean, obviously i know i’m fat but hey. I’ve always wanted to be the skinny girl in the corner… The one that doesn’t eat. I’d admire their self control, and their will power. Yet i was always the fat one eating. I tried it once, fainted after a week, hardly the most ideal thing. But i did lose a bit of weight. I guess that’s the only way for me to do it. The healthy eating and exercise just never works out for me. Perhaps i should try other ways now. I want to be skinny.

If you somehow stumbled upon my Tumblr and expect for happy thoughts and intellectual chatter, turn around. This is just going to be another complaining post.

Just wondering why everybody feels the need to either put me down or insult me and claim ‘banter’. I know what banter is for pity’s sake. I’m not a social reject. What i don’t like, however, is when this ‘banter’ goes too far. Again today i ended up walking off. It’s not their fault i guess but some people just know how to really make me feel like the bottom of the bottom. I just wish sometimes that they’d be nicer to me. Obviously i have my good friends that know the line, and know how far they can go, but still. People wonder why i’m a bitch yet i’ve had to adopt this defensive strategy since i was younger. Irritating really.

Sitting in college on Tumblr because quite frankly, work bores my brains out. Also, DAMN AMERICAN KEYBOARD. *rageface*